Dammit, just believe in yourself

Disclaimer – explicit words below, but said with love.

 

Oh, hey strangers! Bet you didn’t think you’d hear from me again on here did you? Well surprise! I’m back – but with a slightly different flavour this time round.

To say that a lot has happened since the last time I posted here would be a massive understatement. As a very quick recap for any of you lovely readers out there who don’t already know, Graz, Bella and I packed up our life in beautiful Bellingen and we jumped across the ditch to Wellington, New Zealand. We’ve started a brand new life here in “Windy Welly”, we’ve made some amazing new friends, explored beautiful new places and best of all – we got engaged! So it’s safe to say 2017 was a very eventful year for us in every way imaginable. We are absolutely loving life in New Zealand so far – everything except the cost of food, which is completely outrageous haha.

But all that good news aside, let’s move on to why I’m really back here writing on the blog, to what’s really grinding my gears these days, to the thing that I think is plaguing about 95% of the human population (or at least the female human population) including myself a lot of the time: Self belief. Self confidence. Self image. Self LOVE. Now, maybe you just read that and now you’re ready to move on to the next website while rolling your eyes and thinking “I’ve seen about 3,584 self-love memes on facebook lately, I don’t need to read this” and that’s fine. Maybe you’re a bundle of self-positivity and you’re lovin’ everything about your fine-ass self and the world around you. Hell, give yourself a pat on the back if you do feel that way, because that’s a damn miracle in today’s world. But for anyone else, I hope you can read this and take something, ANYTHING positive out of it. Maybe walk away feeling like you’re not alone in this whole negative self-talk spiral, or maybe realise that the size of your love handles aren’t the end of the world, or maybe, just for today, you won’t obsess and mentally punish yourself over wanting that piece of chocolate. And if that’s the case, then I’ve done exactly what I’ve set out to do today.

Now, to preface this whole post, I would like to say that I consider myself to be someone who is pretty “clued in” to the whole positive lifestyle, positive self talk, positive body image-type movements. Even with this, I still find that I need to actively work (keyword: “WORK“) to maintain a fairly positive mental attitude towards myself – and it’s exhausting. I am constantly fighting an internal battle between “love yourself exactly as you are” and “why aren’t you better?”. It’s because of my own experience with this mental self-sabotage that I wanted to start writing again. I feel like if I can turn my experiences and thoughts and insights into words that could reach even one person, make one person feel better about themselves, even temporarily, then that’s what I should be doing… so I hope you all join me.

So let’s talk about belief.

We believe in things we cannot see all of the time. Now, I have no intention of turning this into any sort of religious conversation, so let’s end that there. We believe in things we cannot see all of the time – so WHY do we find it so hard to believe in ourselves, our own capabilities, our own intelligence, our own strength?

• “I’m not smart enough to get a degree”
• “I probably bombed that job interview”
• “I could never run a half marathon”
• “I’m not good enough for him/her”
• “There’s no way I’ll ever be strong enough to lift that weight”
• “I’m too fat to wear a bikini”

Any of these sound familiar?

Literally ALL of these sound familiar to me. I’m sure at some point or another I’ve said them all, either out loud to someone else, or internally to myself. Then I catch myself wondering why it’s just so EASY to shoot ourselves down. Why does that train of thought just happen so naturally for so many of us? Maybe it’s because the failure we’re so afraid of won’t hurt so much if we prepare ourselves to fail from the beginning? Maybe it’s because society has taught us through our childhoods that if we are too confident in our own abilities we are “cocky” or “arrogant” or “stuck up”? Maybe it’s simply a way to protect ourselves from disappointment. Whatever it is, it’s bulshit. Complete and utter bulshit.

We have literally been taught that our “natural state” should be one of disappointment in ourselves. Can we just stop for a quick second and think about how f*cked up that is? If we are too confident in ourselves, we’re cocky. If you say you feel fat in those jeans to a friend and she doesn’t have anything to complain about herself in return, she’s stuck up (anyone remember that scene from Mean Girls?) How is this okay? Shouldn’t we be proud of ourselves for everything that we DO accomplish? Hell, sometimes I want to be proud of myself just for doing my damn laundry. I want to be proud of myself that I got off my ass and went for a run at all rather than hating on myself because I can’t run a half marathon. I feel like it’s time we woke up and realised this whole thought pattern is SO backwards!

Think about this: you engage in small talk with a colleague at work, you say “How’s it going?” and they respond one of two ways:

1. Yea, I’m alright, I’m super tired
2. I’m doing amazing!

Which one seems more “weird” to you? The person who openly tells you they’re doing amazing is a weirdo right? It’s okay, you can admit it – like “what’s up with that guy?”

We are in a natural state of negativity. We would rather downplay ourselves to our peers than actually come out and say “hey, I’m KILLIN it today!” – why?

Here’s a real world example for you, one that just happened to me less than 48 hours ago:

Disclaimer: for those of you who hate when people talk about crossfit, or don’t understand the terminology behind crossfit movements, I’m sorry – crossfit talk comin’ up.

This past weekend was the opening weekend of an annual worldwide crossfit competition called “The Crossfit Open”. The Open consists of 1 prescribed workout every week, for 5 weeks, that every single competitor across the globe completes. Then you’re ranked worldwide and the best of the best advance to the Crossfit Games. Now, this community is an incredibly inclusive community to begin with, which means, the Open is an incredibly inclusive competition. For every prescribed workout, there is a “scaled” option for those who cannot perform the workout as prescribed, for whatever reason. It’s a great way to get everyone involved regardless of age, gender, ability, weight, height, crossfit experience etc etc etc.

This weekend the workout that was announced included a movement called “Toes to Bar” – which is exactly as it sounds, you hang from a bar, and swing your feet up so that your toes hit the bar you’re hanging on to. It’s challenging, and it’s a movement I feel like I’ve been (unsuccessfully) chasing for 2 years. Anytime toes to bar comes up in a regular workout at the gym I immediately say to myself “I can’t do those” and then scale the workout appropriately to something I’m more comfortable doing. I don’t even try them. I just say “I can’t do them” and stare longingly at all the amazing athletes (both men and women) at my gym that make them look like a breeze and hope that “someday” I’m as good as they are. As someone who has been doing crossfit for over 2 years I then proceed to beat up on myself mentally and think “you should be able to do this by now”, “maybe it’s because you’re too fat”, “you need to work on that belly of yours before you’re going to be strong enough to do those”, etc. Basically, I naturally proceed to make myself feel shitty for NO reason. No one else cares that I can’t do them, no one else treats me like I’m any less than anyone else at the gym, no one else gives a shit. Just me.

Fast forward to the Saturday after the workout is announced, everyone from the gym gathers and all competes together. The atmosphere is incredible! Over 100 people of all different abilities, ages, weights, strengths all get together and cheer each other on like they’re all Olympic medallists. It’s electric. “Knowing” that I didn’t have the ability to do toes to bar, I chose to not even attempt the prescribed workout. I was happy to perform the scaled workout which didn’t include that movement at all. I didn’t want to embarrass myself trying to do something I “knew” I couldn’t do in front of all of my peers. So I chose to do something I knew I’d be able to complete, and feel more comfortable with.

***Now – before I go ANY further, in NO way am I saying that anyone who scales a workout is “less” than someone who does it as prescribed. This is not actually about which workout you did or didn’t do, it’s about the negative self talk we tell ourselves that prevents us from even trying. For all my people who scaled 18.1 – you kicked ass, and should feel like damn champions!  I love each and every one of you

 

I felt GREAT about my scaled workout, I got a ton of reps in under the time cap and felt like I was going to vomit when it was over – so obviously I pushed myself as hard as I could go, and felt really #proud. After the workout was over, one of our coaches came over and congratulated me on my score. It didn’t matter that I had scaled it, he was happy for me. He also mentioned that in terms of the official competition leader board, getting even ONE rep in the prescribed workout would boost me higher on the overall leader board than all 341 reps of my scaled workout. So, with that, being the naturally competitive person that I am, I decided that on Sunday I would try again. I would spend the whole 20 minutes trying for just ONE toes to bar. I didn’t need to “smash” the workout, and I’d probably fail miserably, but what would it hurt to try and just get ONE, right? Zero expectations. But I figured if I flailed around for long enough I could probably do one. At the very least, I had a scaled workout score I could be proud of so if/when I failed, it would be okay.

And you know what? I DID get 1. In fact, I got 46.
I did the thing I “knew” I couldn’t do, and I did it FORTY SIX times.

I had zero belief in myself on Saturday. None. I wasn’t strong enough. I was too heavy. I wasn’t flexible enough. I wasn’t good enough.

Sunday I turned up and did it 46 times.

To say I am proud is a massive understatement. But, what gets me the most, is the amount of time I wasted telling myself I couldn’t, and making myself feel shitty before I actually got up there and just tried.

This post isn’t about crossfit, it isn’t meant to be a direct comparison with anyone else who competed in 18.1, it isn’t meant to be a “look what I can do” post.

This post is a prime example of why we should all stop the next time we catch ourselves in that natural routine of shooting ourselves down, and just say “hey, fuck it, I’m going to try” – you never know how much you might surprise yourself. Whether it’s school, your job, your weight, your hair, the sports you play, how fast you can run – whatever it is, just try and believe that you can.

My wish for anyone reading this is to take 5 minutes this week and think about all the things you’re proud of yourself for. The things you CAN do. The things you HAVE done. The things you’re GOING to do. Let’s start feeding ourselves gratitude and pride instead of self doubt and negativity.

You’re all doing great. Keep that shit up.

xx

Stace

Crossfit Open 18.1 Photo credit: Clare Willsher photography